Dear Poly: Left Out of Threesome

Dear Poly,

I, Jason (he/him), am married to Lily (she/her) who has a serious partner Andy (he/him). Recently my wife Lily, Andy and Andy's wife Charlotte (she/her) decided they wanted to pursue a threesome. I have had threesomes before with my wife and Andy, but this new dynamic has left me feeling very left out. I know logically that if I were to be invited it would no longer be a threesome. Still, I feel like given we are two married couples, it's clear as day that three of the four people were invited and I didn't make the cut.

It happened a few days ago and I'm still down in the dumps, finding it hard to concentrate and be productive. My self-esteem has taken a pretty big hit. My wife has been incredibly supportive and reassuring throughout this entire thing, but I still feel like absolute shit and am beating myself up over not being as attractive as they are, not being sexy to Charlotte, etc... I feel that Lily has done everything she possibly can to reassure me, but it's almost like I just can't hear her and have been unable to move past this. What can I do to get over this? When my partner has done everything they can, where do I turn?

Sincerely,
Jason,
San Francisco, CA

Dear Sad-In-San-Fran,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your self-awareness here. It seems like you have done a really good job of reaching out for support while also keeping perspective.

It can be so difficult to feel like an outsider, but this feeling often arises in us long before we found polyamory. Is it possible there is a wound from your childhood here? Think back to other times when you have felt uninvited. Do you sense a connection? As adults, we will often be confronted with patterns that our child-self didn’t have the resources to navigate. How can you rewrite the story this time?

If you have a particularly strong metamour relationship, Andy might be a great resource for reassurance or clarity around why you weren’t included. Similarly, if you are kitchen-table in your polycule, visiting the issue with Charlotte might also be fruitful. If that doesn’t seem possible for you, consider checking in with a friend that knows how to build you up, reconnect with a partner outside of the situation (particularly one who knows what makes you feel sexy!), or spend time doing something that you feel confident you do well.

Regardless of the dynamics, I also want to encourage you to do something even more intimidating than being vulnerable with your polycule: I want you to feel your feelings! Our society can be so quick to distract us away from negative emotions, but by sitting with our difficulties, we build resilience in making it through the next tough thing. Put on a sad playlist or rewatch a film that makes you cry. Give yourself permission to be bummed and trust that you will get back on track when your body and mind are ready.

Poly