Dear Poly,

After a long period of dating abstinence, I'm thrilled to be seeing a man I consider utterly fascinating, admirable, sweet, and hot. I want great things for the relationship, but there's one issue so far: he's quite opaque about his other dating partners. He acknowledges his primary and he's let some things slip about dates going well here and there, but when I ask him what his dating landscape looks like he changes the subject.

I'm a bit confused. He talks about how being ethical is important and that he wants to be respectful of all his lovers by being honest, but I get stonewalled when I want to know what else is going on in his life. I'm willing to come to an agreement about how much detail to share, but I generally like to have some idea of what's happening in my partners' lives.

I know he's been into cheating in the past and had 3 marriages fail due to infidelity before embracing polyamory, so maybe he prefers to operate in the shadows, but he says he's obligated to tell his primary everything (she even wants to know before he kisses someone). Maybe he thinks that is the only relationship to which he's beholden in that way. I know everyone is entitled to privacy, but something feels off. Am I asking too much?

Sincerely,
Dear A Bit Confused,

Dear A Bit Confused,

Congratulations on getting back out there! Reentering the dating world can often bring an equal measure of fear and excitement, especially when pursuing ethically non-monogamous relationships.

First and foremost, It’s important to remember that you are beholden to your own values. While swiping right on fellow poly-cuties might initiate a sense of commonality or community, we don’t all poly the same way. Discussing your own boundaries and desires around poly is an essential component of getting on the same page with your dates.

Some might prefer to discuss relationship structures and desires after a few dates; others may tackle these topics before meeting up in person. While there is no one right answer here, it's this polyamorist’s position that understanding the dating landscape of potential partners should be an open topic if you are choosing to participate in ethical non-monogamy. You’re right to point out that everyone is entitled to privacy. Relationships come in all different shapes and have a myriad of dynamics to consider. While he may have a clear idea of what his “primary” partner requires to feel safe, it’s possible that those needs may not be aligned with your own. He might desire a different level of connection, but feel confined by the agreements he has set. Nevertheless, new relationships often require new negotiations, and pre-established asks may need some adjustment. If his values don’t include transparency between partners, perhaps you have a mismatch for partnership.

That being said, his trepidation to share details may not be the shadowy kind. It’s not unheard of for partners to request their details not be shared, or to request not to hear the details of another partner’s dates. Perhaps he is operating with expectations of past partners, and a direct ask from you might be just the thing he needs to spill his guts.

Still, if you find that this ask continues to be ignored, it might be time to cut ties. Being slow to open up can bring about a sense of intrigue, but withholding information is a red flag.

Poly

Dear Poly,

I've been seriously dating my partner Sara for a couple years now and they're currently long distance with their other partner of many years, Danny. I haven't had the chance to meet my metamour in person due to the pandemic, but the time has come! I'm excited to meet Danny, but I'm nervous about the circumstances.

Danny will be spending a week at Sara's home, but Sara and I will just be returning from a trip the day of their arrival. We had planned to all finally meet that day and we would both stay at Sara's place that night. I would drive home the next day. Sara and I are moving in together soon after living in the same city for most of our relationship, but at the moment we live inconveniently far apart. I spoke with Sara and we agreed that it would make the most sense for me to stay in the guest room to let Sara and Danny be intimate upon their reunion, and Sara plans to discuss options with Danny, as well.

I'm concerned that while I am okay with the idea now, I may grow uncomfortable in the moment because it is a first meeting turned sleepover. Despite all the wonderful things I have heard about my metamour, this would still be our first meeting. In fact, it's my first time ever meeting a metamour, so I'm uncertain of my comfort level and have relayed that to my partner. I'm considering just meeting Danny as planned and not staying the night despite the inconvenience. Do you have tips on how we could all happily stay the night under one roof or does that sound like a bad idea altogether?

Sincerely,
To Sleep or Not to Sleep

Dear Sleepy,

Congratulations on this important metamour-meeting-milestone!

As with any emotionally heightened experience, the easiest time to make a plan is when you aren’t in the thick of it. In therapy lingo, you can think of this strategy as a “Support Plan.” It’s a way of identifying potential needs and doing your best to prepare ahead of time to meet them. It seems like you are on the track to doing just that!

The most challenging part of a support plan is often the vulnerability required of the one in need. Naming our fears and needs can be a challenge all its own, but it sounds like you’ve done a great job of opening those lines of communication. You’ve identified two potential options (to-stay or not-to-stay), but I want to encourage you to look deeper into the gradient between. Are Sara and Danny open to leaving physical intimacy off the table until you are out of shared space? Do you have a friend nearby that would be willing to let you sleep on their couch if you become overwhelmed late at night? Would it feel better for everyone to cultivate a group slumber-party vibe, complete with sleeping bags and blanket forts? Identifying the key fears underneath may guide you to creative solutions that allow for consensual support all around when shared.

It is entirely possible that after a long trip together, you may find yourself looking forward to an empty bed and control of the remote; you may also find yourself panicking at 1 AM, desperate to self-soothe, and lost in anxious thought. Would you be willing to leave and head home if it gets to be too much? What kind of flexibility would feel comfortable for Sara and Danny?

I want to affirm that meeting the metamours can be a stressful experience, but it does have the potential for beauty. You may want to check out our post on Meeting Your Metas, too! While we may want to act in our “best selves,” it is important to remember that you don’t have to do all the hard things at once. You are still a “Good Polyamorist” if you aren’t yet ready to add in a sleepover to a first-time meeting! Small choices lead to sustainable growth in our relationships and for ourselves.

Best of luck!
Poly

I have practiced ethical non-monogamy in some form for 10+ years and have been a licensed relational therapist for about half of that. While I have a unique set of experiences I draw from, this in no way makes me qualified to tell you how to do ethical non-monogamy. I am forever a student of this relational practice. I do, however, have a few tips I would like to share to soften your journey. These are the things I wish someone had told me when my partner and I first opened up, and what I wish I could tell ENM folks BEFORE they hit a bump, crash land, and come see me in crisis.

Hire good help

Seek out a sex-positive therapist versed in ethical non-monogamy before opening up. Don’t wait for the snag, anticipate it. Get in touch with yourself, lay the groundwork, begin healing your past traumas and develop a deep understanding of why it is you want to open up. Therapy is a place that can help you grow a very useful personal vocabulary.

Note: It is a myth that you will be fully-healed before venturing into new relationships.

Read, Read, Read

Read the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern. Having an understanding of attachment styles and how preoccupied or detached you are during relational stress is a game changer. This book is a sparkling gem based on trauma and attachment research and should be required reading for anyone practicing ENM. Buy the book, buy it for your partners, and please, for the love, shop local.

Listen to your body

Your body will tell you before your brain will. Trust your gut. If something feels off, sit with it. Slow down and take time to reflect on what your body might be telling you. If your body and mind are incongruent, chances are you have an undiscovered, unexpressed or unmet need. Pace yourself so your body and brain can catch up to each other.

Hierarchies hold power

Develop a deep understanding of what couple privilege looks like before opening your relationship. My favorite definition of couple privilege is by Louie Murray:

Couple privilege, as I use it, exists between two people and describes the experience of entitlement of access to each other’s life when living as a socially sanctioned pair.

Couple privilege gets a bad rap, but the key here is consent. How you structure your rules and agreements is important to discuss in detail with all parties.

Build your safety net

It’s important to have a safety net of sex-positive people who are supportive of your relationships. Enlist a close friend or friends who agree to listen compassionately and not try to immediately solve the problem. Consent is key when reaching out to people for emotional support; always ask first. Your partners cannot always be the ones holding space for relational processing. It’s important to nurture and maintain platonic friendships in which you can remain authentic as you evolve.

Note: If you are not open about your relationship style it will be harder to build and maintain your safety net.

Know your limits

Be realistic about where you are developmentally. If you’ve been polyamorous for 10 years, and you start dating someone brand new to ENM, there will be bumps in the road. I speak from experience here. I have met some incredible, beautiful, and inspiring people who were new to ENM, but knowing what I know now, I would have tempered my expectations. We are all beginners when we start a new relationship, but there can be a developmental mismatch that can potentially lead to a lot of hurt. Not because hurt was intended, but because two people were in two very different places in their growth. Proceed with care.

You are not going to change people

People can certainly grow together in a consensual give and take, but true growth cannot occur when one partner is trying to change another. Sitting in your "stuckness" and complaining about other people refusing to change is not a way to grow in relationship satisfaction. Yes, assert your needs, but the answer is probably somewhere in the middle.

You are going to get your bell rung

Something will inevitably happen that will challenge you and your partners on a fundamental level. Old mental health stuff may crop up that you thought you’d dealt with. You may experience incredible insecurity and vulnerable moments. You may be asked to deal with grief, loss, and trauma that you may not even know exists. These aren't necessarily reasons to end relationships, but it might mean that you need to take a pause to support yourself and/or your partners. Please be open, honest, and communicative with everyone along the way.

There is no crystal ball

Sometimes you don’t know a boundary was crossed until after the fact. Having boundary conversations ahead of time can be informative and even rewarding, but you can’t possibly anticipate everything. Practice saying, “I think a boundary was just crossed. I’m not sure what it means just yet, but I’m processing and will get back to you.” This is the time to listen to your body.

Positive sex education is a life-long process

Gone are the days of sitting our kids down and having “the talk.” As parents we know there is no singular talk on any complex issue, rather, a constant dialogue. Begin teaching your kids conversationally about their anatomy, gender fluidity, pronouns, consent, and diverse relationship structures. If you normalize these things in age appropriate ways, your children will hopefully remain open, trusting and curious. Children’s understanding about relationships, sexuality and sexual identity must be on a dimmer switch: they must be protected, but not left in the dark.

Be kind

To yourself, to your partners, and particularly to the people your partners are dating, especially if you’re having big feelings such as jealousy or competitiveness. Please be gentle with each other. A little warmth goes a long way. People need smiles, warmth, consensual touch, acceptance, and attention to calm their nervous systems and bring out their best selves. The world needs more of this, too. The growing pains are real, but there is joy in the learning and in the growing, and I wish it all for you.

Alexis Clarksean, MA LMFT
https://www.alexisclarkseanlmft.com

References:
https://humanparts.medium.com/lessons-in-couple-privilege-49a773004134

I can’t recall a single instance of getting to know a metamour that didn’t contain the same tummy-bubbling nerves of meeting the parents. No matter how cordial or pious I might appear, I can’t help the internal monologue begging me to blurt “Hello, I’m the person who’s been fucking your partner’s brains out. Nice to meet you!” Despite the brilliant ethical discussions I’ve had with our shared partner, I fear the partner who has been around longer is likely thinking “Oh, so you’re the homewrecker who’s come to steal my spouse,” or some other leftover-monogamy-brain canned response. Depending on how “out” you are about your polyamory, meeting the parents might never even come up in your relationship. Being introduced to family-of-choice, close-friends, and kids all carry their own unique how-tos. There are no hard-and-fast rules for these meet-and-greets, but I’ve outlined some of what I’ve learned through my various non-monogamous relationships. This guidance applies, of course, to those that want to meet their metamours. Many people have successful polyamorous relationships that are “siloed,” or don’t involve meeting one another’s other loved ones.

1. Decide who will be in attendance.

One of the best metamour meets I had provided the opportunity to meet my partner’s partner, away from our shared partner. At the time, I felt apprehensive about getting to know her without the support of our mutual person. “What if she was bland or disingenuous?” I wondered. Despite my own neuroses, I greeted her outside the front of their shared home and the two of us traversed the icy sidewalks towards a nearby bar. Demure hilarity was hidden behind a gorgeous smile and we quickly found a rhythm to our banter. She un-ironically ordered a Bud Light. I panicked and ordered the first thing I read on the specialty drink menu. I relied a bit too much on astrology; she adequately hid what I later learned was a major eye-roll at the pseudoscience. After we’d affirmed we didn’t totally hate one another, we texted our mutual partner to come join us. He greeted us both with a quick smooch (more on that later) and strategically asked for a chair as to avoid sitting on either side of the booth. My meta and I had generated some shared context, leaving me feeling way more content—and way less of a homewrecker. Alternatively, getting everyone together can also be functional and has its own upsides. If conversation gets stagnant, the mutual partner is often able to jump in with more common ground for exploration. Trips to grab something from the bar or head to the bathroom can offer small windows for check-ins. If you’re open to it, a shared meeting can also offer a more concrete answer to “How do you think it went?”

2. Look to meet on neutral(ish) ground.

The location of your meeting might feel like a complicating afterthought during a pandemic, but establishing where you will meet your metamour is a surefire way to provide comfort to everyone involved. When coffee shops and bars were a safe and viable option, meeting in a low-stakes place felt easier to navigate. Rather than relying on the pre-covid standbys, consider taking a walk around a park or bundling up at a picnic table. Meeting in a neutral location means no one (or everyone) feels out of place. If weather or restrictions won’t permit an extended outdoor hang, get your coffee to go and create a small pocket of shared time before heading indoors. Parenting, temperature, and other life snafus might make it necessary to meet in a shared space. If a partner is nested, you might feel apprehensive about meeting in the space your partner shares with their other partner. Ideally, this will not be your first time in your partner’s home, but if it is, consider requesting to arrive earlier so you have a second to settle in before meeting your metamour.

It’s normal to have some nerves about meeting in a a previously shared space. may be home to many memories of an anchored partnership. For your metamour, it might also bring about emotions to see you in a space that shares those same memories. In the event that your space is the most convenient place for a meeting, remember to follow your usual hosting guidelines. If it feels right, you might even ask your partner or your metamour if there is anything you can do to help your metamour feel more comfortable in your space. Again, this might be the first time they are seeing where your partner shares time with you, where date nights have occurred, and where more recent (sometimes “shinier”) memories have been made. We can’t always know what will come up for us, but being aware of this can help ease the stress in the moment for everyone.

3. Set some bookends on your time.

In a neutral space, all parties can feel somewhat free to leave at their own discretion. You don’t have to schedule an exact time slot, but giving a sense of how long you are available is an opportunity to generate low-stakes boundaries right off the bat. This becomes especially important in a shared space. No one wants to overstay their welcome, and no one wants to be seen as the jerk kicking someone out. Again, you don’t have to mark it down to the minute, but giving an idea of when you will be going can provide a lot of reassurance and takes the pressure off any one person to “wrap it up.”

4. Discuss what physical intimacy will look like for all parties.

The truth is, we don’t often think about how our greetings will go. Though the pandemic has increased the discussion of physical boundaries and comfort, most of us in the US still do not have a culture that outlines these expectations. When considering your hello, think about what level of intimacy feels genuine to the partnerships. You might not be ready to see your partner kiss someone new—even if you are the “new” person to your metamour. You may not feel comfortable kissing in front of someone, or may not feel comfortable being “out” in this way in public spaces. All of these concerns are valid, but if you go in for a hug when you would normally smooch, you might leave a partner feeling slighted or distracted through the rest of the encounter! Knowing what to expect reduces the number of variables and will allow everyone to focus on all the other things they might be (low-key) panicking about.

5. Establish a plan for checking in with your partner after the meeting.

Rather than relying on the subject to come up on your next date night, find time with your partner for a recap of how the meet went. This may be easier to navigate if you are nested with the partner, but don’t skimp on the recap. Make a space for whatever feelings might have arisen and approach them with tender curiosity.

Extra Credit

By no means should you orchestrate a disingenuous connection for brownie points, but if things went well for all parties, make it a regular thing! Even meeting up every now and again will help you lean into the discomfort that can come up in navigating polyamorous partnerships. I have personally found it is much easier to be flexible and offer support to my partners around their other relationships if I have a face for the other side of the ask. The stress of the first meeting will dissipate, but building a tolerance for the discomfort will inevitably lead to more compassionate relationships on your polyamorous journey.

Masculinity is something that can be both beautiful and deeply toxic to who we are as men. For me, as a polyamorous man, it's been extremely important to figure out where my toxic and fragile masculinity is getting in the way of my (good) polyamory. In this series, I'm exploring some of the myths about masculinity with which I've struggled while practicing polyamory.

The Myth

"My job, as a man, is to keep it together. Revealing my struggles means I'm weak."

This is potentially one of the hardest myths to overcome because of its impact on the rest of our functioning as men. From a young age, we were taught not to cry; to keep our guard up. Those lessons were drilled into us by our peers, society and sometimes even our parents. Men who practice monogamy certainly still face challenges around how they ask (or, more likely, do not ask) for the support they need, but when you're practicing polyamory it becomes significantly more important to ask for help. You cannot practice ethical and consensual non-monogamy and keep your feelings hidden. Bottling up those emotions will lead to resentment, pent-up frustration and blow-ups every single time.

One reason that I believe men (especially cis-men) struggle with non-monogamy is because growing up we were not usually given the tools we needed to employ like slowing down, self-reflecting, and asking for help and support. I think most of us know a bunch of men who are constantly professing to be "living the dream" but I’ve never heard it said without a twinge of sadness or sarcasm. There is a lot of pressure to “keep it together” even when you’re having a rough time at work and parenting and trying to spend time with friends and care for aging parents and maybe somewhere in all of that, searching for purpose.

You may be able to get away with pushing your feelings aside while monogamous, but when you remove the framework of monogamy and replace it with the insecure structure of polyamory you will need to rely on the people around you. Vulnerability is the linchpin in all relationships and in order to ask for what you need, you will need to be vulnerable.

Early-on during my practice of polyamory I spent a lot of time with my wife and her girlfriend, Lisa. We hung out together several nights a week. We spent weekends away at the cabin together, we watched stupid movies from the 90s and remarked on how neither of us could believe that my wife hadn’t seen Space Balls, and all had sex together. I knew from the beginning of their relationship that she identified as a lesbian, but yet for me it felt right. We had a really beautiful relationship, and even though we were all first-timers in poly and group dynamics, I felt safe to explore the grey areas of our sexualities and tackle conversations on topics like privilege and homophobia without fear of judgement or ridicule. One day as I was walking into work I got a text from her. "Hey, [your wife] and I are having lunch and talking and I think I need to take a step back from our group time." I respected her decision to step back from sex with me, but I was crushed. In my mind, we were building something together, as the three of us, and all-at-once during a lunch that I wasn't invited to, I felt that slipping away.

I had been poly for right around six months at this point. I didn't have any of the skills I needed to process this loss. I fell apart while trying to make it seem like I was fine. Internally, I was incredibly hurt and sad. Externally, I spent a decent amount of time at Aster Café crying to Frightened Rabbit covers. I lashed out at my wife, ranting about her partner and how terrible she was.

"How could you date someone that would do this?" I asked at one point, ignoring all of my own contributions to the situation.

Lisa and I spoke on the phone a couple nights later and the conversation was, as I remember it, a blame game.

"How could you drop that on me while I'm walking in to work?" I said. I saw her as completely lacking empathy, curiosity or understanding for the complicated situation that we both were in.

"This is sounding a lot like you thought we were in a relationship, which is not what I want,” she countered.

For many months we did not share space, but it didn't cease to be difficult for me. I would text my wife when I was on my way home and if Lisa was over and she would rush out the door making sure we didn't cross paths. I loved and cared about her, even through all of this, but because of my hurt I was unable to be vulnerable and tell her how I was feeling without blaming her for my own pain.

Months later I began to feel calmer. We slowly rebuilt our friendship. We shared space again, if only for brief interactions. We started re-engaging on social media and feeling more comfortable around each other. Eventually, we started spending more time with the three of us again, and Lisa and I finally got to have the conversation about what happened. I explained how hurt I was and my experience of what had happened and she met that with understanding, curiosity and kindness. Eventually, we even got back to the sexy part of our relationship, when just a few weeks prior, that would have seemed completely impossible. We both apologized for our various missteps and we repaired. All that it took was for me to admit to myself, and finally to her that I was hurting; I needed to be vulnerable. As soon as I did that, we began again.

When we buy into the myth that, as a man, we are required to keep it together, we short-circuit the rupture-repair cycle and the resentment and hurt can eat us up. When we embrace our fragility and we choose to be vulnerable with the people in our lives, we can move through hard things quicker, with less anger, name calling, and bitterness.

About 18 months later, I found myself in a different situation that brought up all of the same feelings. This time the plan was communicated to me in advance and in a kind way. But still, the feelings were the same: excluded, unworthy, unwanted. This time, however, I had some practice and a stronger support structure in place. I called my other partner who was not involved in the situation. The advice they gave was to take the time that I needed to feel what I was feeling and figure out what I needed. Once I knew that, they explained, it might be beneficial to reach out to the people involved. The purpose was not to punish or lash out, but simply to explain that I was hurting. Rather than lean in to the bitterness, they suggested I be vulnerable and ask for support.

Since all I wanted to do was put a maximum amount of space between us, this was a very difficult thing to do, but I decided to take the chance. I reached out to my metamour and asked if he had the space for a walk and provide reassurance. Since a lot of my fears around this situation revolved around feeling unwanted or excluded, I needed to communicate that and ask him to reassure me that even though I wasn’t in on this particular event, that he still enjoyed spending time with me. There was nothing he could do to "make it better" or take away my hard feelings, but even the act of letting my guard down made me feel better.

The first time I felt these very difficult feelings it took months to be vulnerable. The second time, I saved myself from the building anger, the explosive behavior and the resulting shame that I feel when I lose control. I repaired with the people in my life within a couple days. The resolution was the same, but the timeline and the amount of anguish was completely, entirely different. Once I embraced that there were going to be times when I simply needed other people, did not have it together, and could not manage on my own, I was able to move through it.

I realize how lucky I am that people in my circle feels open to this type of communication. It is so much easier when each member of the polycule has the support of all the other members.

We have to be able to ask for what we need, even when we think that we shouldn't need that thing at all. It takes practice. When we are vulnerable and express our needs clearly and without anger or judgement, we commit to exchanging short-term discomfort for long-term stability.

Dear Poly,

I'm married and in a polyamorous relationship. I am open and honest about the relationships I am in with my friends, family, and co-workers. While my husband's circle of people know our situation, oftentimes he will receive concerned phone calls from people reaching out to him. Topics include, "Do you know what your wife is doing?" and "Hey man, are you really ok with this?" and even, "You can crash at my place when your marriage falls apart.” For clarification, we are happily married and he knows "what's going on." I understand that they are reaching out to him out of friendship but it makes me angry that they can't mind their own business.

Sincerely, Actually Really Okay

Dear Actually Really Okay,

It takes courage to be open about your consensual non-monogamy. It's difficult to have your choices questioned by those who don't know what they're talking about!

What I am hearing is that there is friction between your husband and his friends as a result of the choices you both made as a couple. It’s possible his friends are jealous of the freedom the two of you have found. It also seems possible that his friends struggle to reconcile their interpretation or understanding of non-monogamy with their own experiences of being (compulsorily) monogamous.

I imagine you may worry that this is a commentary on you or your relationships. If this is the case, I suggest you work to keep your own truth in mind. Consider reaching out to a polyamorous friend for affirmation or journaling about the ways polyamory has benefited your marriage. As for how to proceed, I believe it's best to let your husband manage the relationships with his friends. As much as we may want to intervene on a partner’s behalf, I hereby free you of that emotional labor!

Instead of concentrating on what others interpret, consider checking in with your husband about his strategies. Do you need to know if his friends are still saying this stuff, or is this an opportunity for a boundary? If your husband is truly bothered by the commentary, then he needs to enforce his own boundaries with his nay-saying-friends. Communicate with your husband about how you feel, and then you can problem-solve together.

If your husband is looking for ways to communicate his frustrations with his friends, here are some ideas for asserting these boundaries:

• I know your concerns about my marriage come from a place of care and concern. I really appreciate that and I need you to stop making jabs about it.
• I feel really frustrated when you belittle my relationships by poking fun at them. I want to be able to share this really wonderful part of my life with you, and I need us to find a different way to navigate these topics.
• I feel hurt when you insinuate that my marriage will eventually fall apart. If you want to talk openly about your concerns, I will make space for that. If not, I need you to please stop.
• I noticed today you named some concerns about my marriage and polyamory. I wanted to send you this Ted Talk that might help further your understanding of non-monogamy, and make it easier for us to have supportive conversations.
• Polyamory: A TEDx Talk by Leon Feingold.

If your husband’s friends are the type of people who want to learn, his (and your!) patience and emotional work will be rewarded. If not, know that there are many spaces where your relationship structures will be supported!

Poly

Masculinity is something that can be both beautiful and deeply toxic to who we are as men. For me as a polyamorous man it's been extremely important to figure out where my fragile masculinity is getting in the way of my (good) polyamory. In this series I'm exploring some of the myths about masculinity with which I've struggled while practicing polyamory.

The Myth

"If you're not straight, you're gay."

This is perhaps my favorite myth because of how prevailing it was when I was growing up and how ridiculous it is to me now. Most men are familiar with the idea that two women kissing is seen as "super hot." On the other side of the gender binary, men doing the same is gross, unthinkable, and "gay" in the pejorative sense

I once participated in a Reddit thread where a man with a long-term girlfriend of over 10 years was scared to death to tell her that he wanted to cum inside her and then clean it up. I asked him why he thought it was so hard to tell her what he wanted. He responded, "I'm terrified she'll think I'm gay."

"Why would she think you were gay?” I asked.

He said that he carried so much shame around with him everywhere he went about who he was and what his kinks were.

"You can do this Man, no one who is worth your time would walk away from a 10-year relationship because their partner told them about their kink. Worst case scenario, she's not comfortable with it, but at least you feel like you're living true to yourself and have expressed your desires."

"I just can't do it," he said. It made me so sad.

I imagine that this man, like so many of us (of all orientations), was probably bullied with the insult of “gay” as a young person.

Like choir?
“You must be gay.”
Soccer?
“Gay.”
Good at math?
“Gay.”
Theater?
“Super-fucking-duper-twinkling-rainbow gay.”

Everything that wasn't football and fighting was “pretty gay, bro,” and for many young cis-men who weren’t playing football or fighting, there was shame.

Informed society can now agree that there’s a spectrum and that “straight” is not covering it. Since beginning my practice of polyamory I've explored sex with people of many gender expressions. There is undeniable beauty in the connections between all people, and I often think back on some incredibly powerful and touching moments in my life holding another man in my arms and feeling so close to someone else's masculinity in a non-toxic way. There is always a little fear because our heteronormative society still reigns supreme, but it's less and less every day. Sometimes the people we are attracted to surprise us. That should be something that our culture ensures is free of shame and yet often it does the opposite. Everyone is allowed to say no if they're not interested in doing some particular sex thing; it's really shitty, though, to shame someone for who they are or what they desire.

About 17 years into my relationship with my wife, we decided to transition from monogamy to polyamory. We knew that if we were going to go into polyamory with confidence in who we were as a couple, we needed to know everything about each other and not have secrets. As part of that process, we had a conversation where we put all of our cards on the table. A lot of things I had been keeping in were around my interest in men, the (gay) porn I preferred, and my fantasies.

I knew deep-down that she would never shame me for my sexual interests, but sharing all of that with her was so freeing. She didn't leave. She didn't shame me. She didn't do any of the things that the man on Reddit was afraid of. And if she had, I'm not sure that our relationship would have been long for this world anyway.

Dear Poly,

I, Jason (he/him), am married to Lily (she/her) who has a serious partner Andy (he/him). Recently my wife Lily, Andy and Andy's wife Charlotte (she/her) decided they wanted to pursue a threesome. I have had threesomes before with my wife and Andy, but this new dynamic has left me feeling very left out. I know logically that if I were to be invited it would no longer be a threesome. Still, I feel like given we are two married couples, it's clear as day that three of the four people were invited and I didn't make the cut.

It happened a few days ago and I'm still down in the dumps, finding it hard to concentrate and be productive. My self-esteem has taken a pretty big hit. My wife has been incredibly supportive and reassuring throughout this entire thing, but I still feel like absolute shit and am beating myself up over not being as attractive as they are, not being sexy to Charlotte, etc... I feel that Lily has done everything she possibly can to reassure me, but it's almost like I just can't hear her and have been unable to move past this. What can I do to get over this? When my partner has done everything they can, where do I turn?

Sincerely,
Jason,
San Francisco, CA

Dear Sad-In-San-Fran,

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your self-awareness here. It seems like you have done a really good job of reaching out for support while also keeping perspective.

It can be so difficult to feel like an outsider, but this feeling often arises in us long before we found polyamory. Is it possible there is a wound from your childhood here? Think back to other times when you have felt uninvited. Do you sense a connection? As adults, we will often be confronted with patterns that our child-self didn’t have the resources to navigate. How can you rewrite the story this time?

If you have a particularly strong metamour relationship, Andy might be a great resource for reassurance or clarity around why you weren’t included. Similarly, if you are kitchen-table in your polycule, visiting the issue with Charlotte might also be fruitful. If that doesn’t seem possible for you, consider checking in with a friend that knows how to build you up, reconnect with a partner outside of the situation (particularly one who knows what makes you feel sexy!), or spend time doing something that you feel confident you do well.

Regardless of the dynamics, I also want to encourage you to do something even more intimidating than being vulnerable with your polycule: I want you to feel your feelings! Our society can be so quick to distract us away from negative emotions, but by sitting with our difficulties, we build resilience in making it through the next tough thing. Put on a sad playlist or rewatch a film that makes you cry. Give yourself permission to be bummed and trust that you will get back on track when your body and mind are ready.

Poly

Masculinity is something that can be both beautiful and deeply toxic to who we are as men. For me, as a polyamorous man, it's been extremely important to figure out where my toxic and fragile masculinity is getting in the way of my (good) polyamory. In this series, I'm exploring some of the myths about masculinity with which I've struggled while practicing polyamory.

The Myth

"If my partner wants love, support and/or sex from someone else it's because I'm inadequate. If I had been more ________ they wouldn't have even wanted that."

I have run so many scenarios in my head through my time being poly about how I am not enough. When my partner(s) engage with other men it can only be because I'm too fat, too needy, don't make enough money, am not hot enough, strong enough; not athletic, artistic, or creative enough. Surely there has to be some explanation (that is still fully-centered on me, of course) as to why my partner could possibly want something else when they already have me, right?

It is so easy to get into that negative thought spiral—and in my experience it's also one of the hardest to overcome—because it strikes at the core of who we are as men. When we see our partners' desire for loving, supporting, sexy relationship with someone else as a reflection of our own deficiency, we reinforce that mono-normative idea that most of us have that if we were enough, they wouldn't even want anything else.

I can only be me. I think I'm pretty great, but I will always be fundamentally myself. While I certainly continue to grow as a person, for the most part, I will always have the same kinks, the same sense of humor, the same dick, and the same needs and wants that my partner is used to. However, there are also perspectives, sexual desires, contexts, likes and dislikes that I don't have that my partner may enjoy. All humans crave variety. It's exciting and it makes us feel like we're moving to the next chapter of the story, something that Dr. Emily Nagoski refers to in her book, Come As You Are as “sex that advances the plot.” The realization that humans crave variety can be very scary, though, because it goes against the thing so many of us were taught from a young age: I am the one for my partner (or if I'm not, it ends in divorce). There was no concept of being one of the ones. It was just the one. Focusing on that idea, even though I know it does not match up with my values and world view, can really stand in my way if I'm not careful.

I remember exactly how terrible it felt when my wife let it slip that she enjoyed when her (male) partner pulled her hair during sex. She doesn't really enjoy that with me. I felt like I was so deeply flawed that I couldn't provide that core, so-fundamental-to-life-itself-it-might-as-well-be-water act of hair pulling. In my mind, I was a complete and total failure and fell into that negative thought loop of assuming that if I was hair-pulling deficient, then probably I was bad at sex in general and a totally failure and, of course, a cuck ^[1] (Thanks, Internet).

The reality, of course, is that none of those things are really true. It's ok that my wife likes her hair pulled by people other than me. I do things for her that others don't/can't. AT LEAST I BETTER OR I'LL EXPLODE. Just kidding, totally kidding. Moving on.

So how do we, as men, get past that feeling of despair associated with not being good or "man" enough? Here are some things I try to consider when I'm in that spot:

• My partner does not pursue other relationships because I am deficient. That's just not how relationships work, and I know that because I don't pursue other people because my partner is flawed.
• My partner enjoys many parts of our relationship that are unique to our bond and cannot be replaced.
• I do amazing things for my partner and they would not be with me if I didn't. That said, other people also have something to offer. That is not a reflection of my being broken, that's the human need for different types of connection.

There are also some action items that can help pull me through these feelings. Here are some of my favorites:

• When I feel a big reaction coming, I stop and take inventory of what the underlying insecurity may be. Chances are, there is one. For example, "I am a failure because I don't pull my wife's hair like he does" is probably more, "I'm worried I don't know what she likes and/or can't give it to her."
• I ask my partner to tell me the things that I do that make me special to them. This sometimes feels a little like 8th grade church camp affirmations, but it does actually work.
• INA, or Identify, Name, Ask: 1. Identify the underlying insecurity, 2. Name it out loud to my partner 3. Ask for reassurance around that specific thing.
• Write down a full brain dump of all the terrible things I feel about myself in that moment. When I see them all written down, I recognize that so many of those things are simply not true.
• Ask a friend what they see in my relationship to my partner that makes it awesome. I remember when my partner and I were going through a bit of a lower-frequency sex time and her sex life with her boyfriend hadn't missed a beat and I was feeling really down about it. I turned to another partner who told me, "You guys do so much together, from work to the house and cabin and kids. Her time with her boyfriend is so much less complicated, it makes perfect sense that right now those stressors are impacting your time, but not theirs."

There's most certainly no one quick-and-easy way through any of the difficulties that stem from toxic and fragile masculinity. But I’ve made it this far, I want to work through it, and I have no doubt in my mind that I will.

If you have any burning questions for a Good Polyamorist to write about, please submit a Dear Poly and we'll get on it!

1. Thinking that it's SUPERFUCKINGHOT when your partner has sex with other people and wanting to watch IRL or in videos isn't always cuckolding. For me, it's hotwifing, or the idea that the person I'm married to is so fucking sexy that she can do all of these sexy things with all of these sexy people but she still chooses me. ↩︎

Dear Poly,

My partner and I disagree about how to manage almost everything so we fight a lot. Everything about being non-monogamous gets me worked up, so even stuff like asking how my partner's date went becomes a fight. The problem is that I can't have a fight without yelling because I get too worked up and then I am "blowing everything out of proportion" (her words). I have a lot of past family trauma but I'm happy with her, even though we fight, so I don't want to split up. I have tried yoga and deep breathing and talking to a friend who is also NM. Help?

Worked Up

Dear Worked Up,

I hear that you are struggling to navigate these conversations with your partner in a way that feels authentic and manageable to you both. I love that you are reaching out to friends with shared experiences for support, and I want to suggest adding individual therapy to your toolbox. We all deserve a safe space to navigate healing from traumatic experiences. Having a couple’s therapist can also be very beneficial—especially if one or more individuals have experienced trauma in their past.

You mentioned that you find yourself getting frustrated with your partner after asking about their dates. I would suggest finding a routine for yourself on date nights that will help you to feel grounded. This might include deep breathing, making plans for a simultaneous date, or scheduling a phone call with a close friend.

As an experiment, I want you to try waiting to ask for details until you’ve had a full night of rest. We are often so eager to rip the bandaid off that we don’t allow ourselves to come to difficult conversations with emotional resources. When a time crunch is not an issue, sit down with your partner and share that you are going to try this strategy; then schedule a time when you are going to talk about it. Commit to holding each other accountable to this—even if you are both dying to divulge the night-of!

If you find yourself struggling to keep this goal, take 15 minutes alone to journal. I give you full permission to write down whatever terrible stories your mind is making up about the situation at hand. Perhaps you’ve created a world in which your partner is going to run away with her date and the postman to form a triad commune in the Black Hills! It doesn’t matter how silly it sounds, just write it out. In the morning, revisit your notes. Looking over the stories you’ve created, pick out any that still feel true, and circle them. Look for themes. Do they all center around fears of sexual inadequacy? Are you worried about being replaced? Look for this emotional thread and ask yourself, “Has my partner done anything to contribute to this feeling?” Gather this data without judgment, and follow-up with requests for reassurance where you need it.

One side effect of trauma can be an inability to disentangle what feels uncomfortable and what is unsafe. I believe this pause-and-reflect strategy will give you space to see what is harmful to you and identify what discomfort you want to ask for support on.

One last thing, Worked Up: even if you do find you’ve behaved disproportionately to a situation, it’s okay to ask for her to speak differently to you. You have a right to feel validated in the intensity of your feelings, even if they feel foreign to your partner.

Poly

As with all language, the words used in the non-monogamous community are fluid and changing. Here we have collected a list of frequently used words and our own working understanding of them. Please recognize that others may have different interpretations of these words, or may use them differently.

Anchor Partner
A term for a long-term partnership; often used to delineate when not using hierarchical language.

“Moxie has an anchor partner, but they don’t want to get married.”

Closed Relationships
Relationships that are not seeking additional partners; can be used for monogamous couples as well as polyamorous configurations.

“Their triad closed after Jessi had the baby.”

Compersion
The positive emotions associated with seeing a partner interact with their other partner or partners; maybe platonic, sexual, or romantic.

“I feel so much compersion watching my husband play video games with his boyfriend.”

Consensual Non-Monogamy
The descriptive term for the practice of non-monogamy wherein everyone involved is aware of the relationship structures; the antithesis of this word would be cheating. In contrast to ethical non-monogamy, consensual non-monogamy doesn’t have a value or moral judgment attached to it.

“I canceled the date after I learned he doesn’t do consensual non-monogamy.”

Dyad
Used when referring to a relationship group of two people.

“Helen and Lisa were a dyad before they met Angela.”

Fluid-Bonded
A relationship where partners do not use physical barriers during sex acts.

“Shondra didn’t want to be fluid-bonded with Ryan because he hadn’t been tested recently.”

Good Polyamory
The center of the Venn diagram of ethical, consensual, and non-hierarchical polyamory that puts vulnerability and direct communication at the heart of its values; that ever-changing-target and sweet spot when you know you are loving with integrity.

“It was really hard for him to send the group text, but Carl knew that was good polyamory.”

Hinge
The center point of a V; when person A is partnered with person B & C, but there is no partnership between B & C.

“She has a really hard time being the hinge because Sarah and Kyle both work the night shift.”

Jealousy
The envy of what someone else has or is doing. May result in lashing out, shame spirals, or unrealistic ultimatums. Some consider this the opposite of compersion. We at GP like to think of it as a signal to look deeper at our own needs and desires.

“Felix really struggled with jealousy the first night Miranda went out on a date.”

Kitchen Table Poly
When your partnerships are all able to coexist in the same space regardless of relationship status. This is seen in contrast to siloed partnerships where there is no shared time between metamours and partners.

“I really want to have kitchen table poly, but I don’t think my metamours will ever get along.”

Metamour
The partner of your partner.

“My metamour and I are going to plan the party together.”

Nesting Partner
A partner you live with. Often used to delineate when not using hierarchical language.

“His nesting partner loves to cook, which is great because Greg prefers doing dishes.”

New Relationship Energy (NRE)
The rush you get when you are getting to know someone new.

“I haven’t needed coffee all week because I’ve been running on new relationship energy!”

This term may also be used as a pejorative to describe the obsession or rush that having a new partner brings about.

“Sam really started neglecting his husband after he got new relationship energy.”

Opening Up
Used to describe the process of becoming non-monogamous after a period of monogamy.

“They had just opened up their marriage when she got the job offer.”

Polyamory
An umbrella term for relationships that do not define themselves by monogamous dynamics; the ability to love more than one person at a time.

Platonic Life Partner (PLP)
A relationship that is not sexual in nature but may contain some aspects usually categorized under dating or romance; denotes a known commitment to the relationship.

“Carter is flying out next weekend to take care of his platonic life partner after her surgery.”

Polycule
A term used to refer to the web of different partnerships and their connections to one another.

“The whole polycule is going on a vacation to the hot springs!”

Primary Relationship
A relationship descriptor that may imply hierarchy or may denote an elevated level of commitment.

“Aria wasn’t interested in being a primary partner to Ben.”

Secondary
A relationship descriptor that may imply hierarchy or may denote a certain level of commitment that is less than that of a primary partner.

“Gerri was very busy at work, so she was happy to be a secondary partner to Julie.”

Solopoly
The practice of polyamory as your own primary partner; being a hub or engaging in various relationships without the same confines of a dyad.

“After being in a triad for several years, Tony was ready to be solopoly.”

Welcome to GoodPolyamory.com, a space for those looking to make vulnerability and open communication the core of their polyamory. This site has been many years in the making, if only in our minds. We've longed for a space where we can support our fellow non-monogamists as they struggle through the complexities of polyamory. In a world that spoon feeds us heteronormative compulsory monogamy, we hope that on these pages you see your polyglamorous life reflected back to you in a way that makes you feel good.

We're just starting our journey of documenting our failures and successes throughout our non-monogamous lives and we can't do it without you. We need your help to grow, so here are a few things that we would love for you to do if you have time:

• Follow, like, and subscribe
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We are so excited to welcome you here and hope you'll continue to engage with us wherever you roam on the internet! Our team is small but our spirits are full. Please reach out via email or the Dear Poly form if there's anything you'd like to see us cover on the site!

xoxoxoxox,
The Good Polyamory Team